I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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