if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
This is the high leading the old right now
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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