then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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