My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
