You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
40s are totally the cure
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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