ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
