he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
