when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
