And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
