I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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