So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
