I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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