One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
