you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
