The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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