Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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