The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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