Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
