hotel room ftw
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
