Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
