I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
