im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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