Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
