dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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