just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
