I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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