You're my little dorito
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Someone shattered a urinal.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
