Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
True strength comes from lack of pants
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
