soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
