It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
