is your mom at the bar?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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