I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
