I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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