the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
