The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
