Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
