Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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