Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
