we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
