My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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