Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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