Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
