my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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