woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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