My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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