I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Randomize
