Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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