did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
