the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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