There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Randomize
