i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i love accidental penises.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
