I wish my penis had an off switch
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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