so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
