I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
