Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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