I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
